The English Fuck-tree (Factory)

Well this is amongst my first of “such posts” that I usually neither write nor read. It is in fact a thought that has encountered me almost every day, as I meet different individuals from different phases of life including students, professionals, entrepreneurs, bureaucrats and few politicians as well. All these individuals whom I met are usually educated, but the kind of language they use is pretty interesting.

Actually we (citizens of third world countries) have this “Keera”; worm of speaking English unnecessarily. Most of the individuals think that they do some “fantabulous job” when they speak this language. Anyways, following are few torturous, interesting and mind boggling incidents / encounters that I came across. At times they seem funny to me and at times (when I am tensed), they are horrible

I purchased a few CDs from a local music store, some of them didn’t work, and when I reached the vendor for exchanging the CDs he politely asked “Can I have your Dicks sir, so that I can check them by running and cleaning them in case they have scratches over them?” (phucking lord,  is it practically possible?) Then I realized he must be asking out for “Discs”. I handed him the Discs and he returned them after 10 minutes of thorough check-up by saying some golden words that I can never forget “Here are your new Dicks sir, enjoy them”

I was in my cabin working on a client’s file when a colleague of mine entered without knocking and asking me out “hey Dew’d you gotta Plaas?” I asked him twice what he meant and then he described the function of Pliers to me, to which I excused. Just imagine it in a situation when your “Boss” has assigned you an urgent task with limited timeline and someone asking questions like that.

Last month I was invited to a politicians’ house she, to me, looked quite qualified as the way she sa-peaks (Speaks) but when she handed over a note to me on which it was written “Well-cum to my hose” I was taken a back and re-thought, does she really wants/thinks that?” but then I retreated myself and kept my focus on other openings that might needed to be used in case of a quick exit.

When I was inducting writers in my team there were few incumbents whose interviews were scheduled some of them were really nice in both verbal and written English and some were horrifying. I interviewed a girl who was studying at Bahria University, she all of a sudden shoot “I don’t want to do a blowjob” (which she would have meant as “Below job”). I was literally shocked to hear her using such a term but then when she explained what she meant by “Blowjob” it all get clarified. On the contrary there are still many individuals who pronounce “Google” as “Googlie”. It is really hard to control a blast of laugh in such situations when you are sitting in a meeting and an enthusiastic employee adds his comments to get noticed by the others. And I don’t understand why “the” becomes “Daaa” and “Dhaa” by almost 75% of the educated class?

There are many people who are smart asses and they know how to blow their wrath out. In case if it is woman, a colleague of mine always asks “whore tame kee hoya hai?” (and/so what is the time?). Whenever he gets pissed off at any girl/woman he asks this to low down his BP.

There are many people around us who speak English as their fuss“t” language and not as FIRST (not because they know it but they speak to impress others). It is not just Meera or Veena whom we should make fun of, on the contrary we should not make fun of these people but instead educate them with. 

Share your thoughts on this and also share those words that you also find funny and extremely questionable (most usually read it as “Co-is-chun-able”)

P.S. Special Thanks to "Tashmeem Mirza" for correcting my mistakes)


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