The English Fuck-tree (Factory)

Well this is amongst my first of “such posts” that I usually neither write nor read. It is in fact a thought that has encountered me almost every day, as I meet different individuals from different phases of life including students, professionals, entrepreneurs, bureaucrats and few politicians as well. All these individuals whom I met are usually educated, but the kind of language they use is pretty interesting.

Actually we (citizens of third world countries) have this “Keera”; worm of speaking English unnecessarily. Most of the individuals think that they do some “fantabulous job” when they speak this language. Anyways, following are few torturous, interesting and mind boggling incidents / encounters that I came across. At times they seem funny to me and at times (when I am tensed), they are horrible

I purchased a few CDs from a local music store, some of them didn’t work, and when I reached the vendor for exchanging the CDs he politely asked “Can I have your Dicks sir, so that I can check them by running and cleaning them in case they have scratches over them?” (phucking lord,  is it practically possible?) Then I realized he must be asking out for “Discs”. I handed him the Discs and he returned them after 10 minutes of thorough check-up by saying some golden words that I can never forget “Here are your new Dicks sir, enjoy them”

I was in my cabin working on a client’s file when a colleague of mine entered without knocking and asking me out “hey Dew’d you gotta Plaas?” I asked him twice what he meant and then he described the function of Pliers to me, to which I excused. Just imagine it in a situation when your “Boss” has assigned you an urgent task with limited timeline and someone asking questions like that.

Last month I was invited to a politicians’ house she, to me, looked quite qualified as the way she sa-peaks (Speaks) but when she handed over a note to me on which it was written “Well-cum to my hose” I was taken a back and re-thought, does she really wants/thinks that?” but then I retreated myself and kept my focus on other openings that might needed to be used in case of a quick exit.

When I was inducting writers in my team there were few incumbents whose interviews were scheduled some of them were really nice in both verbal and written English and some were horrifying. I interviewed a girl who was studying at Bahria University, she all of a sudden shoot “I don’t want to do a blowjob” (which she would have meant as “Below job”). I was literally shocked to hear her using such a term but then when she explained what she meant by “Blowjob” it all get clarified. On the contrary there are still many individuals who pronounce “Google” as “Googlie”. It is really hard to control a blast of laugh in such situations when you are sitting in a meeting and an enthusiastic employee adds his comments to get noticed by the others. And I don’t understand why “the” becomes “Daaa” and “Dhaa” by almost 75% of the educated class?

There are many people who are smart asses and they know how to blow their wrath out. In case if it is woman, a colleague of mine always asks “whore tame kee hoya hai?” (and/so what is the time?). Whenever he gets pissed off at any girl/woman he asks this to low down his BP.

There are many people around us who speak English as their fuss“t” language and not as FIRST (not because they know it but they speak to impress others). It is not just Meera or Veena whom we should make fun of, on the contrary we should not make fun of these people but instead educate them with. 

Share your thoughts on this and also share those words that you also find funny and extremely questionable (most usually read it as “Co-is-chun-able”)

P.S. Special Thanks to "Tashmeem Mirza" for correcting my mistakes)


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Are You Diagnosed as “English Phobic”? Here is the Treatment

Apart from my profession, I have been associated with teaching and content writing since 2006. With the passage of time I have come across different kinds of individuals belonging to varied ethnic backgrounds along with different educational trainings. When I was Growing Up, (I know Growing Old is a new-age alternative for this term), we used to have 3 kinds of schooling systems including Matriculations, O/A Levels and Cambridge system. All three had their own pros and cons. Teachers were focused back then, they used to be specific and very particular about the language and the terms used by us (students). Back in those days studying in O/A Levels or in Cambridge system used to be a status symbol (believe it or not – it’s a fact). Today I see majority of people living in Karachi, Islamabad and Lahore (the Metro Cities) is sending their kids to either Cambridge Based Schools or O/A level schools. This is really good – but have you ever thought about the language they are using? Have you ever listened them conversing with seniors, juniors and individuals from their own age group? Well! I did, as I come across with more than many such students and professionals as well.

The new age students use almost same linguistics with every one, they treat everyone with same yardstick. There is a difference in speaking, with people from different age brackets and different backgrounds. I don’t know if you might agree with me or not. But I was taught to use politeness and decency while talking to seniors and juniors (and we still use calculated and definite words in front of them). We were allowed to get friendly with guys and girls of our age group. Whereas today this is “kind of” alien approach I suppose. The idea was to show and pay regard to others. These days we see every Tom, Dick and Harry speaking English language in great accent – this is the reason why most of the people are taken back when the other starts to speak. Trust me, nowadays it is only accent on which students and teachers emphasize. If you get your nerves under controlled, try to listen to the language that they use mostly, the grammar is terribly misused in most of the cases. I know American Culture is overshadowing ours as well, but all those who consider America as benchmarking tool, get some brains’ utilization. America is a country full of nation without culture and heritage.

There are also those people, who might not be able to speak English fluently and at a faster pace, but they have great grammar sense, they know how to write, what to write and which tone to use. So all those individuals out there who easily get impressed or at times stressed by the individuals with amazing Aussie or American accent based language, try to listen to them properly and reply back them with a well-knitted answer. Try to keep yourself calm, if you think you will be a bit late in replying as compared to their speed – don’t worry, if they will cut you off, they are not worthy of being communicated with. No one in the world has the right to point a finger on you on the basis of language. Your confidence is your discriminative point. Don’t lose it! English is just a language not a life-saving drug.

P.S. I have talked here about the majority – exceptions are always there, after all Pakistan has great talent and potential and I truly support this statement. All we need are right mentors and comparatively better paths to prove the same to world. Do not get personal as this (article) is an outcome of personal experiences, observations and incidents.

Stay blessed and be happy!